Growing up without the label of neurodivergent felt like every difference I had was made into a failure of character. Being unable to connect socially became “socially awkward”, it meant always feeling on the outside of life and being treated like a burden for wanting what everyone else seemed to access so easily, things like being included.
Expressing honest feelings became “being dramatic” or “overreacting”, Often times I was treated like my very real feelings were overreactions.
Being blunt and straight forward became “rude”
Asking for clarification became “nosey and annoying”
Needing more rest then others because of overstimulation became “laziness”
Having extreme mood shifts became “attention seeking”
Sensory issues become “fussy”, or “picky”
Almost every neurodivergent trait I had was made into a character failure by family or religious beliefs. I masked heavily for years.
After a breakdown I had to begin to take myself seriously, even if others didn’t.
I had to rally for myself with the support of my partner.
And it was hard. People will show up to cheer others on at a marathon, people tend to go pretty silent when others share about the difficulty of recovery from mental illness……
When I finally started getting help I was at a point I felt stripped of everything. I could barely leave my room….yet house. I was put on stronger anxiety meds and that went very badly…..I soon was back on the phone with my dr (I did phone appointments for nearly 3 years, because I could barely leave my house) and he began asking some questions, questions that led to my bipolar diagnosis, which then changed my treatment. I’m not that far into recovery, and recovery is what this experience has been. I went from barely leaving my room, to starting to go downstairs more to now beginning to cook more often and tidy without overwhelm. I now can go out a bit more without panic.
All this to say when I was finally diagnosed I was in a state, I had tried to hurt myself. It has taken years to come back to feeling more myself. Going undiagnosed was a living hell. There isn’t a word to describe the state I was in, the exhaustion of feeling everything at maximum intensity, to a painful intensity. I was experiencing mania then depression on rotation for years.
Living undiagnosed nearly killed me, and I remember telling people about what I was experiencing and it wasn’t really a blip in their radar of caring, yet it was one of the hardest things I’d ever been through. I felt as many neurodivergent people feel, alone, misunderstood and not taken seriously by people whose support I needed.
The people I relate with most are other neurodivergent people, they understand the experience of being continually misunderstood and continually having needs ignored. The same people who claim to be kind, understanding and empathetic don’t extend that attitude towards neurodivergent people. So neurodivergent people go through years of the pain of being undiagnosed, and eventually find out the cause of all the struggles only to be treated like our diagnosis hasn’t or doesn’t impact us, and often we are simply not believed or taken seriously.
I hope living undiagnosed into adulthood stops being a reality for people. I hope as information continues to become more common and made public people will seek help earlier. I also hope neurodivergent peoples experiences will be believed and the pressure to prove our diagnosis stops being a thing. I hope the rate of severe burnout that is too common for neurodivergent people goes away because the proper support becomes more accessible to those who need it. As always I hope for a better and more accessible world for myself and everyone.
